The Otaku Love Quiz
By Ridwan Khan
Ah, Valentine's day - love, hearts, chocolate. What's that, you don't have any of that stuff? Don't worry, you've still got Animefringe. We've got nothing better to do. And how better to celebrate lost loves than a little quiz? Don't be scared kids, it's fun and it's informative - it's edutainment! And don't worry, unlike a certain pan-handled state that shall remain nameless, there shouldn't be any counting errors.
To take the Love Test, take a blank piece of paper and a
pencil, and write, along the top edge, from left to right:
A B C D
Then proceed to answer the
questions. Every time you answer, leave a mark below the
corresponding letter. (ex: If you answer B to the first question,
leave a mark below B. Then if you answer C to the next question,
leave another mark below C.) You may mark any and all answers that apply to you in a given question, or skip a question if none of the answers apply to you. Enjoy!
1. On February 14, St. Valentine's Day in Japan, women of all ages give men they like chocolate. It's an opportunity for women to express their love. They also give chocolates to their bosses (giri or "duty" chocolate).
What else could one get their man?
A) A bouquet of flowers, to show him you care
B) A simple card, nothing to fancy
C) A hair sample, to be kept until genetic cloning is possible and affordable
D) Uncle Tanaka's Leather Whips Home Kit, only $19.95 plus S&H
2. Don't worry girls, the guys are obligated to return the favor on March 14, by giving chocolate to girls.
What's the best present for the woman in your life?
A) A little bit of poetry, lovingly thought out and written
B) A sweet simple little hug
C) Just watching her while she peacefully sleeps - from outside her window
D) Two Words: Leather diapers
3. After those questions, it seems to me that chocolate's your best bet. In Japan, the first two weeks of February entire aisles of department and convenience stores are filled with chocolate of all sorts.
But where would be the most convenient place to buy chocolate?
A) Buy it? I'll make a whole chocolate cake by myself!
B) A vending machine. If it's good enough for my sake…
C) At the army surplus store - hey, are those night vision goggles?
D) I think I get free chocolate night sticks the fourth time I visit "The Underground"…
4. Okay, maybe you don't have a significant other,
Where do you go to find a soul mate?
A) Somebody out there is meant for me - I'll find them eventually
B) I'm too busy for a relationship - right now, what I need is someone to borrow cash from
C) Go? Your soul mate could be right under your nose or right next door
D) I go to Cons and to the rooms where people are watching "The Quest for Odin" and look for people enjoying it
5. Maybe, you're as big a loser as me and not even the last options work - what would you do on Valentine's Day?
Anime of course, but what?
A) Aa Megami-sama - Awww Belldandy and Keichi…true love is possible!
B) Tenchi Muyo - Can you girls just give me a little breathing space?
C) I don't need no stinkin' Anime. All I have to do is take a picture of the person I want and paste their face into my copy of "Paradise Heights"
D) Cassan Robot Hunter, on continuous loop. Mmm, pleasure from pain…
6. What's the best anime love song?
A) Denwa Shite Iwachan - Chibi Aa Megami-sama
B) Friends - Ranma 1/2
C) I don't have any power outlets in the bushes, so I can't listen to anything anyway
D) Love song? Does the Akira soundtrack count? Wailing is music!
7. What's the most appropriate color for Valentine's Day?
A) Pink and Red! Kawaii!
B) Aqua. Nice and mellow.
C) Midnight blue. The better sneak around in, my dear.
D) Black. Well, duh.
8. What do you and your significant other plan on doing on this very special day?
A) Dinner and then dancing at the most romantic place I can find
B) We're going to go see "Dude, Where's My Car" for the third time
C) We're going to hang out at his/her place. Or s/he's going to hang out, while I attempt to pick the door's lock…
D) We're reenacting our favorite scene from Leather Goddesses V: The Harem Quest
9. What's the best video game to play to enhance your love life?
A) Samba de Amigo because of the Couples Mode.
B) Hmm... any of the Street Fighter games.
C) Video game? I prefer making my own games... Smile big dear.
D) My bootlegged copy of Thrill Kill for Playstation.
10. Which anime character most resembles you and your love life?
A) Belldandy - Aa Megami-sama
B) Rei-kun - Kodomo no Omocha
C) Noboyuki - Tenchi Muyo!
D) Anyone from La Blue Girl
Now to the part where you find out something about your inner self in a flash of introspection. Or you continue to read and pick the category you like best. Anyway, it's simple enough for a Texas bumpkin turned President to figure out. Just count up the number of answers you got for each letter and go to the category that you have the most letters from. Alphabet soup was never this much fun.
If you answered…
Mostly A: Romantic Keeper - You're a true romantic! Anybody would be lucky to have you as a Valentine's Day sweetheart. Just don't get too sugared.
Mostly B: Just Friends - You're not looking for a relationship right now. That's cool - just make sure you don't get suckered into one anyway.
Mostly C: Obsessed Stalker - You're probably right outside my window right now. And are those pictures of me wallpapering your room?
Mostly D: Bondage Host - Didn't I see you in that Madonna video?