"Full Metal Huh?!?"

by Basil Berchekas III

There once was a movie about a lovable black man who loved his military troops so much that they gave him warm fuzzy kittens for his birthday and he read them fairy tale bedtime stories every night. And to celebrate his love and care for the troops, the generals decided to throw a bridal shower for his kittens, and gave them all jackets made up of pure stainless steel which they used to form PETTA, the Prevention of Ethical Treatment Towards Aqueducts (because darn it, they have it coming!). And this movie was called, Full Metal Jacket.

Okay I lied. The fact is I've never seen the movie, but that doesn't stop me from making stuff up based on the title. And hey, it's just not me doing it; it's in fact a brand new craze in anime and manga titling! All you have to do is take the words "Full Metal" then add in whatever the hell you like at the end, and BLAMO! New title! For example, Full Metal Panic. Does this anime have anything to do with Full Metal Jacket? Of course not! But doesn't it just sound nifty (along with its sequel, Full Metal Panic: Fuu-Muffins or some weird name like that)? And not only that, but there is also Bones' latest hit, Full Metal Alchemist, a wonderful new show about a guy who's known for his fully metallic arm. So, since they figured out ways to make the name work, I figured why not try out a few ideas myself?

Full Metal Dumpster

An exciting tale of a young trash collector named Kyosuke who one day (caused by an unfortunate accident involving a blender, the state of Mississippi, and some duct tape named Johnny Flounder) is imbued with the amazing ability to make dumpsters tap dance! However, the evil Macrometer Corporation, makers of the Secret Sauce that caused the catastrophic chain reaction that created our hero, have sent out crack hit teams to remove poor Kyosuke from the picture to cover up their dastardly tracks. Now with only his wits, his cute talking mascot (a Ramune bottle named Joe), and a vast army of tap dancing trash bins, he has to stay alive long enough to expose the nefarious company for all the evil they have caused!

Full Metal Cosplay

The world of cosplay was a dangerous place, full of scum and villainy at every turn. Ami knew that. She had seen it happen all too many times, young aspiring girls became nicotine-puffing drunkards over a Sailor Moon skirt. Everyone knew of the Chii Raids of '86 where half an anime convention's attendance cut in half during a bloodbath of a costume contest over a foam wig. Oh yes, Ami knew the dangers. She knew the perils. But she also knew that if no one cleaned up this cosplay world, this den of glitter and death, that one day a costume with details so intricate, fan service so potent, that it would mean the end of civilization as we know it. She is that person. Prepare yourself. Retribution is at hand.

Full Metal Vegetation

Manuke Hakuchi knew Phobias Five was in trouble. He could feel it. Of course, then again it was pretty obvious after half the planet was ripped away due to a large laser planet death beam. And with non-stop raider bands scavenging the countryside, government agents clad in black watching his every move, and Cantrip Inc. vying for his very existence, it's getting hard just to make it through the day! But the real story here isn't with our hero, but the ecology! While his world lies decaying, these plants still grow; ever reaching upward to the vast heavens that is the cloudy sky. You'll revel in delight as the Abutilon hybridum makes new roots in the decrepit earth. Your heartstrings will pull as you watch the dewdrops glisten from the beautiful Begonia tuberhybridacultorum's leaves. You'll gasp in amazement as Cheiranthus cheiri flowers and weep with sadness as the Helianthus annuus takes its last breath. Truly an epic for the ages!

Full Metal Gender Swap!

Famous martial artist Bobma Jawatome was pissed at his dad. Really pissed. Due to a training accident (as we all know how accident-prone anime characters are) at a metal refinery in Chad, he is now a cursed man. Or woman. It all depends really. You see, whenever he or his dad is doused in molten metal, his father turns into a giant ferret and male Bobma becomes a buxom young woman! Refreshing ice-cold cola reverses the effect, but humans can't survive the hotness that only liquid metal can provide! And, of course, this plays right into the nefarious Emperor Zack's plans for world domination! Magical Chick Person Carol could save the day, but the magical key chain carried by Bobma is the only thing that can stop Zack! Can she collect the seven enchanted Happy Meal Toys and bring the Jawatomes in time to save the day?

Full Metal Giant Frickin' Robot

It's a giant mecha and it's ready to rock. Made of, you know... metal. Fully metal you might say. Or maybe just Full Metal. Okay, look - I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel here. But at least it's a FULL METAL barrel!

So there you have it, my five ideas on the wonders you can work with Full Metal titles. Me, I think any one of them could be the hit of next season!

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