Notes From The Outside: History of a Golden God
Who died and made you God, or who do I have to sleep with around here to get a column published?
Come unto me, my faithful legion. Sit before my Bodhi tree and listen, as I expound on the secrets of the universe. It has been asked of me in polite and subtly worded emails to explain who the hell I am and how the hell can I get published in Animefringe. Well, the second question is easy to answer: I have taken the road to the top that many have tread before me; I slept with the editor. Now as to who I am, well, that's a longer story.
Born under a mountain to what is believed to be an immaculate conception (or at least, one where the phrase "Oh God!" was shouted a lot, or so I'm told), I started on my weird journey to Animefringe by immersing myself in God's purest art form: comic books.
I have been a comic reader for well over two decades, and I have been pushing these works of art and word onto my friends like a deranged crack dealer for nearly as long. Now, like any good geek, I couldn't stick to one medium, and since my mother, when taking time out from raising her virgin-birthed messiah son, taught English and Literature, I started reading at age three. I have been an avid sci-fi/fantasy novel reader as well, with the accompanying RPG fetish to go along with it.
As to how I found anime, well, I found it in the way that most young teenage males do... through sex. For me, it was Legend of the Overfiend: sex and epic plot rolled into one, along with a six-penii monster whose semen destroys the world. What more could I hope for? Then I saw Akira, and not once, but twice I got to see Tokyo destroyed. This was, for me, incredibly cool; destroying cities and occasionally the whole world, along with violence and sex for seasoning. This interest in anime led me to Asian films in general, where I saw the world of beauty and love that is a John Woo film.
So here I am, virtual encyclopedia of all things cool, and a messiah too, let's not forget! What do I do now? Why, write my scripture. Give to the bleating masses bits of my wisdom. Enslave them to my will, and then... Um, forget that I said that last part. Nope, nothing worth reading there. Move along.
Well, after sleeping with the editor, I was asked kindly to spread my wisdom to you, my adoring public. So here I am, as you can see, writing under another deadline these notes from the outside.
Editor's Note: Matt skipped his medications again. Please don't encourage his delusions of grandeur. No one likes to see a geek separated from his computer.