Notes from the Outside image.

Notes from the Outside: A How-To Guide to Anime Love

Matt reveals the secret of how to get an anime girl: know the rules and then use them to your full advantage!

by Matt Houck

From the depths I return, back once more to bring you the wisdom of the ancients. You know, people like me who remember seeing Nirvana in concert.

This month, I bring you, the howling masses, an age-old querry that has plagued the world of Otaku for millenia. The question is this: why are there epic prophecies, begun around the dawn of time? You know, prophecies that hold the balance of life and death for the entire world and the fate of mankind; a prophecy that culminates with a man and a woman going at each other like a pair of rabid weasles? (I know there's a question in that last paragraph somewhere. I blame the rambling on my eighth cup of coffee, or possibly the heroin, but I digress...)

For example, I give you Wicked City, an anime from back in the day when we used videotape. I know that you've heard of it. (Invented just after the wheel, I think.) The basic plot is as follows: Man and Woman, one from the human world, the other from the demon world, must bring about a new millenium. How do you ask? By getting nekkid and making with the Barry White (or if you prefer, The Hampster Dance). This is, of course, just one of the many anime out there with the same theme. Such as Legend of the Overfiend. Good kid's movie, that one.

Notes from the Outside image.

Now why do I bring this up to you, my flock? To show you the difficulty of trying to score with otaku babes. You see, we as a people shape our world around what we know from past experiences, as well as what we take in from the media and the world around us. Now, as a comic-loving, American male, I know that sex will happen easily and naturally with whomever is the main female star of your comi... er... life. Now that sets a fairly decent standard for sex and dating nice and healthy. Except when I have to worry about getting killed by my arch-nemisis, or having to go on a blood-drenched killing spree, but the sex is good though. See? Nice and easy.

Now look at a guy looking to score with an anime lover:

Hopeful Guy: Hey Beautiful, come here often?

Otaku Chick: Yes. Before you continue, will fucking you bring about the merging of twelve dimensions on the brink of destruction into One Beautiful World, where the Golden Age of Humanity will begin?

Notes from the Outside image.

Hopeful Guy: Um...I don't,

Otaku Chick: Fuck off then, asshole.

Hopeful Guy: Um...ok.

See how hard that was? And that was just normal anime. If she watches hentai, then not only does the guy need to meet the above requirements, but he may also need to be her older step-brother and commit suicide or just die at the end of the affair from shame.

As a public service for all of the males in the world, please Beautiful Otakuettes, pick up a copy of Maxim sometimes and lower your standards, so that the average geek stands a chance too. Oh, and should the wife read this, I am positive that the parallel realities will be aligning any time now, and if they aren't...well, we will just have to try harder...and more often.

As a sidenote on my absence last month, I was in California, trying to cover the Michael Jackson trial. Not for any news agency or anything. I was just trying to cover it with a tarp, because maybe if we can't see it, it will go away.

Well, until next month, hold lust-filled baccanals and blood-drenched sacrifices in my honor. As for me, I will be writing more Notes From the Outside.

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